March 2010


Quick, name your favorite presidents. Top five. Did this fat fuck crack the list? God I hope not.

There are tons of reasons to dislike Teddy. His racism and xenophobia, imperialism, for centralizing federal government, campaigns that were more religious revival than public policy, or being the Ross Perot of his day. Sure he gave us teddy bears, but that’s a measly compromise. Everything about Old Ted is a freaking let down. Dude was a sickly child who wildly overcompensated, fooling everyone with his manly man posturing. The easiest game in the world is “one of these things is not like the other”.

Oh sure, there are those who would say “Teddy was tough! He got shot and finished his speech! Lincoln just up and died.” Well Snarky McAssholepants, you are a cock. First, Teddy barely got shot. The bullet went through a steel eyeglass case, and a 50 page speech. He was basically wearing a flak jacket. Second, how insecure do you have to be to shake off getting shot? “Can’t … show … weakness … must … be … adored!” There’s nothing wrong with saying “Hey, y’all, just got shot. Gonna go to the doctors now, get the finest leeches available. Kthxbai.” It was the 1920’s, it’s not like people were going to go check out HBO and internet porn and forget about him.

Did I Ever Mention I'm A Tough Guy?!

Oh, and also, he’s a goddamn loser. He’s never won a race at Nationals Park. 0 – 164. But everyone loves the underdog, and Teddy routinely raises everyone’s hopes, only to fall short in the end. In that way, he’s the perfect mascot for the Nat’s; a bumbling, Mr. Magoo capering around the stadium, the perfect pairing for a franchise who’s one bright spot will start the season in the minors.

Despite being another festering pustule marring the Nat’s prepubescent image, Teddy has his share of fans. God knows why. Some people are just idiot chubby chasers, I guess. Local blog Let Teddy Win! is campaigning hard for the big galoot. April 21st is the night they’ve scheduled for this travesty, this abomination, this cats-and-dogs-sleeping-together nonsense to go down at the ballpark. I hate stuff like this. Teddy can’t win on his own, so people are going to hand him a meaningless pity win. There’s nothing wrong with losing, per se. It’s obviously not as good as winning, but if you keep working hard, keep believing and striving, losing can have a quiet kind of nobility.

Michael had worked so hard for this record, and now he could taste ... WTF?

This also makes a mockery of everything the Presidential Races stands for. The glory, the drama, the tradition. The totally-not-at-all-ripped-off-from-Milwaukee’s-Sausage-Race-thingy-ness.

Handing out wins is ignoble, and ignominious. One can’t give success or pride, one must take them. Tony Montana never said “first somebody gives you da drugs, den somebody gives you da money, den somebody gives you da wimmin.” A man takes what he wants. Teddy needs to learn these lessons, or else he’ll just be another spoiled brat. So join me in hoping this ridiculous popularity contest never successfully infects the hallowed institution of presidential races.

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The Oscars have come and gone and Avatar, although winning art direction, best visual effects and cinematography did not win best picture. That honor went to Hurt Locker. But many would agree Avatar was most popular movie of the year. And what do you get when you pair the most popular movie of the year with the most popular television show about a low-rent beach in the arm pit of America? A solid consolation prize.

We love hockey, and DC loves it’s Capitals. The team has absolutely run away with a weak Southeast division, and lead the entire Eastern Conference. Heading towards the Stanley Cup playoffs they look pretty damn unstoppable.

At the trading deadline, the Caps made some big moves to shore up their depth, adding four players for the price of one (and some draft picks).

One of those players is Country Mouse Scott Walker. Coming from such bright-lights-big-city locals like Raleigh and Nashville, Walker is definitely a Country Mouse adjusting to his new life in the big city. So far, the adjustment is going well.In his first game, Walker scored two goals.

Off the ice, Walker is making some more difficult adjustments. From the Washington Post sports-blog:

“So I was excited to use it, little bit nervous at first obviously,” he told Vya. “But man, people were so helpful. I just kind of looked lost — that was pretty easy to do — and people just helped me and taught me how to go over and figure out how to pay for a ticket and how to get on. I’m sure I overpaid a bit, because I was just so scared that I was gonna get trapped in there, so I just made sure I put enough money that I could get in and out. And man, I had a great time, and I’m so excited to use it more now. Now I’m not so scared to just jump on it and head one or two stops or all the way, wherever.”

Walker’s talking, of course, about Metro. Something everyone gets fired up about, just not usually in a good way. Metro has it’s fair share of problems; trains are too short, run too far between at off-peak hours, are too crowded, and oh yeah, have a pretty horrendous safety record. But Walker is pretty jazzed. Like a kid in some kind of a store.

“I wasn’t sure to take my kids on there and my wife yet because I didn’t want to get lost,” he explained, “but now they’re thrilled and they’re excited to come back and give it a go and get downtown and go see the sights….”

Well that’s adorable. And Walker’s pretty savvy for a first-timer. The whole “not-having-enough-money-to-get-out” worry is legit. Stupid Metro and it’s pay when you exit policy. He’s already planning on getting a SmarTrip card and good for him. There’s nothing worse than standing in a crowd behind some tourist who can’t figure out which end of the goddamn pandas go into the goddamn machine, or having to fight their way back out of SmarTrip only lane. That’s a great post-college walk of shame.

So remember, the next time you see a huge man with no front teeth on the metro, he might not be crazy or homeless. He might be the Caps newest Country Mouse, learning big city ways.

“I’ll put my teeth in,” he suggested. “Got to disguise it.”

Now don’t go getting your gears all in a jamble; Daylight Savings Day isn’t until March 14th at 2:00am EST, so you can relax. For those of you who are planning on complaining about losing one little hour of sleep for one little night, you can stop. Think about all the other ways you probably lose an extra hour of sleep on any other day of the week. Like doing this. Or this. Or hopefully this. Yep, linked to myself on that last one. After biting the bullet for one night, we get an extra hour of daylight for THE NEXT 8 MONTHS. Try something called “delayed gratification” on for size.

A few days later, March 20th, is the official first day of spring, but here in DC spring always comes a few weeks earlier. One week we have a foot of snow, the next gaggles of people are out and about running, jogging, biking, flugtagging. Ehhh might have made that last one up. What I’m trying to say is DC’s an active town. And the activity has begun, whether or not spring has springed.

So in the spirit of the spring season that’s upon us, I’ve put together a complication of seasony-titled jams for summer, fall, and winter. Spring doesn’t have a song yet, so readers, you have 9 days to pick one! Only rule? It has to have the word “spring” or a variation of it in the title. Start commenting with your suggestions and we’ll declare a winner on the day of the equinox.

Oh lordy. Ever tried to break up with someone, but have them cry, scream, get all stabby, or pregnant?

D.C. is known as “Hollywood for ugly people“, but spend any time in the city and you quickly realize it’s not exactly accurate. Sure, it isn’t Manhattan with models swarming in from across the globe, but for such a small city, we have a pretty healthy percentage of attractive ladies (and gents too, if the Bonus! crew is a representative sample. You’re welcome, ladies.)

D.C. is a unique city, and the dating dynamics are similarly unique. People here are generally ambitious, intelligent and driven. Often, that’s what they look for in a partner too. LaLa Land may have a simple pairing dynamic; ours is a little more complex.

That leads to some odd couples. I frequently see women with men who are far inferior in terms of looks, and even personality, but who make up for it in less obvious ways. Partners at firms, influential lobbyists, congressmen, etc. I’m not saying women here are more or less shallow than in other cities (except Hollywood, those broads are shallow), just interested in different things.

But things fizzle. You have to try on new people periodically to see what fits. You have to regularly clear out the relationship closet. Sometimes your ex gets with someone far below you; I call that relationship-goodwill.

If things with your sig-oth (if you’re into the whole brevity thing) are sputtering, it can be hard to have ‘the talk’. Thankfully, there’s a new service that takes over when you can’t pull the trigger.

IDump4U will break off your relationship so you don’t have to get your hands dirty. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! They’ll also record the convo, and post it to youtube. Yeah. Read that again. Yeah. For example, Amber is dumb.

Oh Amber, you sound awesome. Interestingly, Brad says that the majority of his clients are women, who can’t confront their boyfriends. Check these out if you’re trying to dump your lame future-ex. If anyone uses this site, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let us know.

Taken from a series of wonder paintings, @ www.newenglandpainter.com

Ahhh, New England Summers

New England is a mythical land of white clapboard houses, lazy streams and windblown beaches. It always smells like leaves dying in crisp fall air, except when it smells like salt breeze, or like homemade pumpkin or apple pie.

New England is synonymous with prep schools, L.L. Bean, and foliage. But there’s something else you should know about New England. Any true New Englander would walk across a mine field in the morning to get sweet, sweet Dunkin Donuts coffee. That orange and pink color scheme is as familiar to New Englanders as the sound of Adhan is to Muslims.

As such, I have to say the coffee in Virginia is mostly swill. Pete’s, Starbucks, even Caribou, can all go jump in the Potomac. If you need a caffeine rush, they’ll do, but appropriately considered, they’re all the liquid equivalent of defibrillator paddles. Chances are your unlucky enough to work in an office that stocks one of these wretched brands, or even worse.

What’s a poor drone to do? Gaze longingly across cube-land? Drive up to Lee Highway every morning? Sneak Dunks into the break room like Clint Eastwood sneaking Nazi gold out of Europe? There is always the ridiculous option of having coffee delivered. Dunks treats you right! But do you want to be ‘that guy‘?

Coffee Is Art

Instead, hark to this knowledge. Hark. Two words: French Press. Stop you’re francophobic cursing. It’s a simple little device that makes delicious coffee just for you, the way you like it. Strong or weak, with the blend or roast you want.

The apparent complexity can be daunting, to some mental weaklings. You have to … PUT the coffee in, THEN hot water? THEN push down on the … what is that? A plunger? I don’t know if I can work that, because I’m an idiot.

It’s not hard. Even the French do it, without surrendering. You can buy a press is a wild array of styles, colors, and prices. Thom and I both favor the simple glass and black combo, classy, subtle, refined. Like our coffee.

There’s just something dapper about using a press. When you have one of these in the office, it speaks loudly to your individuality. It says that we may be stuck in cubicles, far from the sunlight, in front of  an indistinguishable computer. But coffee is one of the finer things in life, and we believe in ourselves enough to do it right. A french press says that we know what’s good in life. That whatever our station or stature in the office, outside these four beige walls, away from these non-dairy creamers, we believe the finer things should be savored, that life should be lived!

We’re the best! Around! And nothing’s gonna keep us down! Ahem… sorry, too much caffeine.

I come to you today to talk about a storied history. Let me throw a few stats your way. 343 wins. 5th place in the NL East 4 our of 5 years. Consistently trots out 9 quality players on to the field game in and game out. That about sums up the 5 years the Nationals have been in DC playing something closely related to the game we like to call baseball. Spring Training is now upon us and the Nationals are back in their groove, dropping games like the Red Line drops rail cars. In just 3 games, DC’s squad has been scored on 36 times. Ouch. While it’s true these games don’t mean anything, I feel like for the Nationals, well, they still kinda hurt.

Now I know baseball is a dying art that doesn’t draw the attention that football or basketball or Nordic combined do, but I think that’s a shame. It’s a beautiful game. But when your team is that bad, the game of patience becomes the game of agony. Trust me. I know. I’ve been a die-hard Pirates fan all my life; a team that hasn’t recovered from Barry Bonds and Bobby Bonilla leaving town 18 years ago. I was 5. So I’d like to send a word of encouragement to those out there thinking about boarding the Washington Nationals train. Do it. They might not be good, they might not ever be good, but make them your team. Love the players. That’s what I do. That’s what keeps me tuning in to every Bucs game every season.

Let me clarify something for those of you who I just convinced to invest your life savings into screen-printing Ryan Zimmerman jerseys to sell on the Frederick Douglass Bridge; Bonus!DC will not become die-hard Nats fans or really even follow their season. We already have our teams. However, to serve you, the people of DC, it is my intention to make the player who takes the last spot on their 25-man roster for the start of the regular season an immortal on this blog. Whoever that ends up being, I will become his biggest fan. Because, well, if you’re the last man to make the team on the worst team in baseball… you need all bonuses you can get.

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