Dropped Knowledge


Taken from a series of wonder paintings, @ www.newenglandpainter.com

Ahhh, New England Summers

New England is a mythical land of white clapboard houses, lazy streams and windblown beaches. It always smells like leaves dying in crisp fall air, except when it smells like salt breeze, or like homemade pumpkin or apple pie.

New England is synonymous with prep schools, L.L. Bean, and foliage. But there’s something else you should know about New England. Any true New Englander would walk across a mine field in the morning to get sweet, sweet Dunkin Donuts coffee. That orange and pink color scheme is as familiar to New Englanders as the sound of Adhan is to Muslims.

As such, I have to say the coffee in Virginia is mostly swill. Pete’s, Starbucks, even Caribou, can all go jump in the Potomac. If you need a caffeine rush, they’ll do, but appropriately considered, they’re all the liquid equivalent of defibrillator paddles. Chances are your unlucky enough to work in an office that stocks one of these wretched brands, or even worse.

What’s a poor drone to do? Gaze longingly across cube-land? Drive up to Lee Highway every morning? Sneak Dunks into the break room like Clint Eastwood sneaking Nazi gold out of Europe? There is always the ridiculous option of having coffee delivered. Dunks treats you right! But do you want to be ‘that guy‘?

Coffee Is Art

Instead, hark to this knowledge. Hark. Two words: French Press. Stop you’re francophobic cursing. It’s a simple little device that makes delicious coffee just for you, the way you like it. Strong or weak, with the blend or roast you want.

The apparent complexity can be daunting, to some mental weaklings. You have to … PUT the coffee in, THEN hot water? THEN push down on the … what is that? A plunger? I don’t know if I can work that, because I’m an idiot.

It’s not hard. Even the French do it, without surrendering. You can buy a press is a wild array of styles, colors, and prices. Thom and I both favor the simple glass and black combo, classy, subtle, refined. Like our coffee.

There’s just something dapper about using a press. When you have one of these in the office, it speaks loudly to your individuality. It says that we may be stuck in cubicles, far from the sunlight, in front of  an indistinguishable computer. But coffee is one of the finer things in life, and we believe in ourselves enough to do it right. A french press says that we know what’s good in life. That whatever our station or stature in the office, outside these four beige walls, away from these non-dairy creamers, we believe the finer things should be savored, that life should be lived!

We’re the best! Around! And nothing’s gonna keep us down! Ahem… sorry, too much caffeine.

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A picture is worth a thousand words, but if the words are sufficiently interesting you can cut down the ratio a bit. In that spirit, spice up your speech with these phrases we’re throwing around DC.

“Cray-cray” – means crazy.

“One hot second” – I know this phrase is so 1999, but it’s time it made a come back. If the goddamn ’70’s fashion can come back, why not this? YES WE CAN!

“Ground Hot Dog” – Backstory: coming back in a cab from a night on U Street, an old friend and I got into an tiff over who had the worst ex. Clinching argument “You can’t compare you’re [redacted] prime rib to [my ex], she was like a [redacted] hot dog I found on the ground.” My friend yelled “She IS a ground hot dog!” Even our surly cabbie laughed. Use it to describe any unpleasant encounter with a potential partner.

“Eat your biscuit” – Can be used as the new ‘drink your milkshake‘, as in “I buy that!”. Additionally, it can refer to a sex move that rhymes with bun-a-lingus. This doesn’t mean I made some special time with the Country Griddle; that comes with an actual biscuit.

“Beaaah” – Try it out. Multipurpose.

Question, inflect up at the end: Beaaah?

Denigrating, inflect down at the end: I listened to some Rod Stewart today, beaah.

Indifference, maintain flat tone: “Want to see a Ryan Reynolds movie?” “Beaah.”

Approval, start low, inflect up around the first ‘a’, then come back down to neutral. “Want to go to happy hour?” “BeAah!”

Use them well friends.

That’s cheese as in cheddar. Money.  And the Wizards play professional basketball.  Sure the face of the team is suspended and likely going to jail for slanging guns around the locker room like he was Vincent Vega.  Forget they traded away three more starters (Jameson, Haywood and Butler) that were the core of the franchise.  They did receive one former all-star in return, Josh Howard, who then proceeded to tear his ACL and will be out for the remainder of the season.  Where’s the Bonus!?

In cheap tickets and young players trying to prove themselves, my friends.  Yes, hockey and Hoya basketball is the talk of the town, but hockey is on an Olympic hiatus and Georgetown only has two home games remaining before the dance.  The Wizards still have Randy Foye (Go Cats!), Mike Miller  and a young core playing gritty enough to win 3 of the last 4 before falling to the Grizzlies tonight.  Some would consider that winning 3 of 5.

Kobe, I'm coming!

Professional sporting even tickets don’t’ come cheap, but Wizards tickets do.  Scour on Craigslist for some last minute deals and you can be Jack Nicholson for a night – sitting courtside, wearing sunglasses and looking like you’re going to kill someone because everyone can only think of The Shining when they look at you. If you’re an out-of-towner, now’s your chance to see your home team play.  If you spend too much time at a happy hour in Chinatown and miss the first quarter, who cares, right?  It’s the Wizards?  If you take a date and casually show her the face value of the tickets $212 and get them for $40….uh…Bonus!