Hijinks


Quick, name your favorite presidents. Top five. Did this fat fuck crack the list? God I hope not.

There are tons of reasons to dislike Teddy. His racism and xenophobia, imperialism, for centralizing federal government, campaigns that were more religious revival than public policy, or being the Ross Perot of his day. Sure he gave us teddy bears, but that’s a measly compromise. Everything about Old Ted is a freaking let down. Dude was a sickly child who wildly overcompensated, fooling everyone with his manly man posturing. The easiest game in the world is “one of these things is not like the other”.

Oh sure, there are those who would say “Teddy was tough! He got shot and finished his speech! Lincoln just up and died.” Well Snarky McAssholepants, you are a cock. First, Teddy barely got shot. The bullet went through a steel eyeglass case, and a 50 page speech. He was basically wearing a flak jacket. Second, how insecure do you have to be to shake off getting shot? “Can’t … show … weakness … must … be … adored!” There’s nothing wrong with saying “Hey, y’all, just got shot. Gonna go to the doctors now, get the finest leeches available. Kthxbai.” It was the 1920’s, it’s not like people were going to go check out HBO and internet porn and forget about him.

Did I Ever Mention I'm A Tough Guy?!

Oh, and also, he’s a goddamn loser. He’s never won a race at Nationals Park. 0 – 164. But everyone loves the underdog, and Teddy routinely raises everyone’s hopes, only to fall short in the end. In that way, he’s the perfect mascot for the Nat’s; a bumbling, Mr. Magoo capering around the stadium, the perfect pairing for a franchise who’s one bright spot will start the season in the minors.

Despite being another festering pustule marring the Nat’s prepubescent image, Teddy has his share of fans. God knows why. Some people are just idiot chubby chasers, I guess. Local blog Let Teddy Win! is campaigning hard for the big galoot. April 21st is the night they’ve scheduled for this travesty, this abomination, this cats-and-dogs-sleeping-together nonsense to go down at the ballpark. I hate stuff like this. Teddy can’t win on his own, so people are going to hand him a meaningless pity win. There’s nothing wrong with losing, per se. It’s obviously not as good as winning, but if you keep working hard, keep believing and striving, losing can have a quiet kind of nobility.

Michael had worked so hard for this record, and now he could taste ... WTF?

This also makes a mockery of everything the Presidential Races stands for. The glory, the drama, the tradition. The totally-not-at-all-ripped-off-from-Milwaukee’s-Sausage-Race-thingy-ness.

Handing out wins is ignoble, and ignominious. One can’t give success or pride, one must take them. Tony Montana never said “first somebody gives you da drugs, den somebody gives you da money, den somebody gives you da wimmin.” A man takes what he wants. Teddy needs to learn these lessons, or else he’ll just be another spoiled brat. So join me in hoping this ridiculous popularity contest never successfully infects the hallowed institution of presidential races.

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Yes, I’m referring to when you have one of those memory-rich Friday nights with good friends that proves to be a bonus. This post might seem kind of scattered, but, well, it’s about Friday night, sooooooo……

So what’s the secret to having a genuinely fun sports bar like Buffalo Billiards all to yourself on a Friday night? Go to a private event for college students in a bar that has a strict 21 and over policy. Yep, meaning 3/4 of the people who showed up got turned away. Which by my calculations means our group (including two members of Bonus!) got roughly 5 babillion times the free drink tickets. Gift = received.

Quick detour to the men’s bathroom where I spotted an advertisement for this gem of a company. While in hindsight it’s not that funny, I still think the words “domesticated animal” and “organic food” don’t actually belong in the same sentence. Then again, on the flip-side, there are examples of non-domesticated animals eating non-organic food as well. The gift has started giving.

So back to Friday night. After a brief discussion, we made our way to Clarendon for that tasty early morning goodness only found at Silver Diner. Not a bad way to end a night out; good food, good atmosphere, and open at 2am when you need it most. Well, except that’s not where the night ended. We capped the night by helping out a full-sized SUV get un-stuck from the snow. And by “help” I mean “lifted the entire car off of the ground”. As in; it was on the ground, then we came, then it was off of the ground. Did I mention we LIFTED A CAR? It was pretty legendary, and fully warranted the 5 minutes of chest-bumps with the strangers we helped. The gift hath giveth sevenfold.  It never hurts to be a good Samaritan, especially in this town.

Okay, one last dip in the well of givingness. We did have one fallen hero that night. While we later found out he had made it home to Foggy Bottom safely, our sources tell us his metro experience was roughly to 100% like this. The gift giveth, the gift taketh away. Either way, I say Bonus!