Sports


Quick, name your favorite presidents. Top five. Did this fat fuck crack the list? God I hope not.

There are tons of reasons to dislike Teddy. His racism and xenophobia, imperialism, for centralizing federal government, campaigns that were more religious revival than public policy, or being the Ross Perot of his day. Sure he gave us teddy bears, but that’s a measly compromise. Everything about Old Ted is a freaking let down. Dude was a sickly child who wildly overcompensated, fooling everyone with his manly man posturing. The easiest game in the world is “one of these things is not like the other”.

Oh sure, there are those who would say “Teddy was tough! He got shot and finished his speech! Lincoln just up and died.” Well Snarky McAssholepants, you are a cock. First, Teddy barely got shot. The bullet went through a steel eyeglass case, and a 50 page speech. He was basically wearing a flak jacket. Second, how insecure do you have to be to shake off getting shot? “Can’t … show … weakness … must … be … adored!” There’s nothing wrong with saying “Hey, y’all, just got shot. Gonna go to the doctors now, get the finest leeches available. Kthxbai.” It was the 1920’s, it’s not like people were going to go check out HBO and internet porn and forget about him.

Did I Ever Mention I'm A Tough Guy?!

Oh, and also, he’s a goddamn loser. He’s never won a race at Nationals Park. 0 – 164. But everyone loves the underdog, and Teddy routinely raises everyone’s hopes, only to fall short in the end. In that way, he’s the perfect mascot for the Nat’s; a bumbling, Mr. Magoo capering around the stadium, the perfect pairing for a franchise who’s one bright spot will start the season in the minors.

Despite being another festering pustule marring the Nat’s prepubescent image, Teddy has his share of fans. God knows why. Some people are just idiot chubby chasers, I guess. Local blog Let Teddy Win! is campaigning hard for the big galoot. April 21st is the night they’ve scheduled for this travesty, this abomination, this cats-and-dogs-sleeping-together nonsense to go down at the ballpark. I hate stuff like this. Teddy can’t win on his own, so people are going to hand him a meaningless pity win. There’s nothing wrong with losing, per se. It’s obviously not as good as winning, but if you keep working hard, keep believing and striving, losing can have a quiet kind of nobility.

Michael had worked so hard for this record, and now he could taste ... WTF?

This also makes a mockery of everything the Presidential Races stands for. The glory, the drama, the tradition. The totally-not-at-all-ripped-off-from-Milwaukee’s-Sausage-Race-thingy-ness.

Handing out wins is ignoble, and ignominious. One can’t give success or pride, one must take them. Tony Montana never said “first somebody gives you da drugs, den somebody gives you da money, den somebody gives you da wimmin.” A man takes what he wants. Teddy needs to learn these lessons, or else he’ll just be another spoiled brat. So join me in hoping this ridiculous popularity contest never successfully infects the hallowed institution of presidential races.

We love hockey, and DC loves it’s Capitals. The team has absolutely run away with a weak Southeast division, and lead the entire Eastern Conference. Heading towards the Stanley Cup playoffs they look pretty damn unstoppable.

At the trading deadline, the Caps made some big moves to shore up their depth, adding four players for the price of one (and some draft picks).

One of those players is Country Mouse Scott Walker. Coming from such bright-lights-big-city locals like Raleigh and Nashville, Walker is definitely a Country Mouse adjusting to his new life in the big city. So far, the adjustment is going well.In his first game, Walker scored two goals.

Off the ice, Walker is making some more difficult adjustments. From the Washington Post sports-blog:

“So I was excited to use it, little bit nervous at first obviously,” he told Vya. “But man, people were so helpful. I just kind of looked lost — that was pretty easy to do — and people just helped me and taught me how to go over and figure out how to pay for a ticket and how to get on. I’m sure I overpaid a bit, because I was just so scared that I was gonna get trapped in there, so I just made sure I put enough money that I could get in and out. And man, I had a great time, and I’m so excited to use it more now. Now I’m not so scared to just jump on it and head one or two stops or all the way, wherever.”

Walker’s talking, of course, about Metro. Something everyone gets fired up about, just not usually in a good way. Metro has it’s fair share of problems; trains are too short, run too far between at off-peak hours, are too crowded, and oh yeah, have a pretty horrendous safety record. But Walker is pretty jazzed. Like a kid in some kind of a store.

“I wasn’t sure to take my kids on there and my wife yet because I didn’t want to get lost,” he explained, “but now they’re thrilled and they’re excited to come back and give it a go and get downtown and go see the sights….”

Well that’s adorable. And Walker’s pretty savvy for a first-timer. The whole “not-having-enough-money-to-get-out” worry is legit. Stupid Metro and it’s pay when you exit policy. He’s already planning on getting a SmarTrip card and good for him. There’s nothing worse than standing in a crowd behind some tourist who can’t figure out which end of the goddamn pandas go into the goddamn machine, or having to fight their way back out of SmarTrip only lane. That’s a great post-college walk of shame.

So remember, the next time you see a huge man with no front teeth on the metro, he might not be crazy or homeless. He might be the Caps newest Country Mouse, learning big city ways.

“I’ll put my teeth in,” he suggested. “Got to disguise it.”

I come to you today to talk about a storied history. Let me throw a few stats your way. 343 wins. 5th place in the NL East 4 our of 5 years. Consistently trots out 9 quality players on to the field game in and game out. That about sums up the 5 years the Nationals have been in DC playing something closely related to the game we like to call baseball. Spring Training is now upon us and the Nationals are back in their groove, dropping games like the Red Line drops rail cars. In just 3 games, DC’s squad has been scored on 36 times. Ouch. While it’s true these games don’t mean anything, I feel like for the Nationals, well, they still kinda hurt.

Now I know baseball is a dying art that doesn’t draw the attention that football or basketball or Nordic combined do, but I think that’s a shame. It’s a beautiful game. But when your team is that bad, the game of patience becomes the game of agony. Trust me. I know. I’ve been a die-hard Pirates fan all my life; a team that hasn’t recovered from Barry Bonds and Bobby Bonilla leaving town 18 years ago. I was 5. So I’d like to send a word of encouragement to those out there thinking about boarding the Washington Nationals train. Do it. They might not be good, they might not ever be good, but make them your team. Love the players. That’s what I do. That’s what keeps me tuning in to every Bucs game every season.

Let me clarify something for those of you who I just convinced to invest your life savings into screen-printing Ryan Zimmerman jerseys to sell on the Frederick Douglass Bridge; Bonus!DC will not become die-hard Nats fans or really even follow their season. We already have our teams. However, to serve you, the people of DC, it is my intention to make the player who takes the last spot on their 25-man roster for the start of the regular season an immortal on this blog. Whoever that ends up being, I will become his biggest fan. Because, well, if you’re the last man to make the team on the worst team in baseball… you need all bonuses you can get.

Many hockey fans in DC love Alexander Ovechkin not just for his ability to put the puck in the back of the net, but for his tenacity and desire to just lay someone else out. Ovie had a quiet Olympics (boding well for the United States) and has most recently received heavy criticism for shutting down the film production of a Russian fan’s attempt to capture the Capitals’ superstar on camera. If I were Ed Lover, I’d say, “C’mon, son – how the f*@k you gonna swat a camera away from a Russian fan tryin to get a glimpse of her favorite player. C’mon, son. Get the f*@k outta here with that sh*t.”

But I’m not Ed Lover, and we like to focus on the positives here on Bonus! Which brings me to the real reason for this post and that was Ovie’s hit on my favorite player growing up, Jaromir Jagr. Dude had a mullet that would give Billy Ray Cyrus a hard on, but that’s neither here nor there. Talking to a friend about the upcoming USA-Canada gold medal game, the conversation turned to Ovechkin’s poor performance, but man, did he really put the hurt on Jaromir Jagr (ex-Penguin – Bonus! for Caps fans). Searching for the hit on YouTube, I came up empty because the IOC blocked it on copyright grounds. This calls for another, “C’mon, Son” but I digress. YouTube account holder koojoe21 found a loophole with a sweet animated video that reminds you of a mid-90s Sega or SNES game – appropriately set to house music. Enjoy this Bonus! and root for USA to stick it to those hosers today.

That’s cheese as in cheddar. Money.  And the Wizards play professional basketball.  Sure the face of the team is suspended and likely going to jail for slanging guns around the locker room like he was Vincent Vega.  Forget they traded away three more starters (Jameson, Haywood and Butler) that were the core of the franchise.  They did receive one former all-star in return, Josh Howard, who then proceeded to tear his ACL and will be out for the remainder of the season.  Where’s the Bonus!?

In cheap tickets and young players trying to prove themselves, my friends.  Yes, hockey and Hoya basketball is the talk of the town, but hockey is on an Olympic hiatus and Georgetown only has two home games remaining before the dance.  The Wizards still have Randy Foye (Go Cats!), Mike Miller  and a young core playing gritty enough to win 3 of the last 4 before falling to the Grizzlies tonight.  Some would consider that winning 3 of 5.

Kobe, I'm coming!

Professional sporting even tickets don’t’ come cheap, but Wizards tickets do.  Scour on Craigslist for some last minute deals and you can be Jack Nicholson for a night – sitting courtside, wearing sunglasses and looking like you’re going to kill someone because everyone can only think of The Shining when they look at you. If you’re an out-of-towner, now’s your chance to see your home team play.  If you spend too much time at a happy hour in Chinatown and miss the first quarter, who cares, right?  It’s the Wizards?  If you take a date and casually show her the face value of the tickets $212 and get them for $40….uh…Bonus!