Oh lordy. Ever tried to break up with someone, but have them cry, scream, get all stabby, or pregnant?

D.C. is known as “Hollywood for ugly people“, but spend any time in the city and you quickly realize it’s not exactly accurate. Sure, it isn’t Manhattan with models swarming in from across the globe, but for such a small city, we have a pretty healthy percentage of attractive ladies (and gents too, if the Bonus! crew is a representative sample. You’re welcome, ladies.)

D.C. is a unique city, and the dating dynamics are similarly unique. People here are generally ambitious, intelligent and driven. Often, that’s what they look for in a partner too. LaLa Land may have a simple pairing dynamic; ours is a little more complex.

That leads to some odd couples. I frequently see women with men who are far inferior in terms of looks, and even personality, but who make up for it in less obvious ways. Partners at firms, influential lobbyists, congressmen, etc. I’m not saying women here are more or less shallow than in other cities (except Hollywood, those broads are shallow), just interested in different things.

But things fizzle. You have to try on new people periodically to see what fits. You have to regularly clear out the relationship closet. Sometimes your ex gets with someone far below you; I call that relationship-goodwill.

If things with your sig-oth (if you’re into the whole brevity thing) are sputtering, it can be hard to have ‘the talk’. Thankfully, there’s a new service that takes over when you can’t pull the trigger.

IDump4U will break off your relationship so you don’t have to get your hands dirty. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! They’ll also record the convo, and post it to youtube. Yeah. Read that again. Yeah. For example, Amber is dumb.

Oh Amber, you sound awesome. Interestingly, Brad says that the majority of his clients are women, who can’t confront their boyfriends. Check these out if you’re trying to dump your lame future-ex. If anyone uses this site, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let us know.

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Taken from a series of wonder paintings, @ www.newenglandpainter.com

Ahhh, New England Summers

New England is a mythical land of white clapboard houses, lazy streams and windblown beaches. It always smells like leaves dying in crisp fall air, except when it smells like salt breeze, or like homemade pumpkin or apple pie.

New England is synonymous with prep schools, L.L. Bean, and foliage. But there’s something else you should know about New England. Any true New Englander would walk across a mine field in the morning to get sweet, sweet Dunkin Donuts coffee. That orange and pink color scheme is as familiar to New Englanders as the sound of Adhan is to Muslims.

As such, I have to say the coffee in Virginia is mostly swill. Pete’s, Starbucks, even Caribou, can all go jump in the Potomac. If you need a caffeine rush, they’ll do, but appropriately considered, they’re all the liquid equivalent of defibrillator paddles. Chances are your unlucky enough to work in an office that stocks one of these wretched brands, or even worse.

What’s a poor drone to do? Gaze longingly across cube-land? Drive up to Lee Highway every morning? Sneak Dunks into the break room like Clint Eastwood sneaking Nazi gold out of Europe? There is always the ridiculous option of having coffee delivered. Dunks treats you right! But do you want to be ‘that guy‘?

Coffee Is Art

Instead, hark to this knowledge. Hark. Two words: French Press. Stop you’re francophobic cursing. It’s a simple little device that makes delicious coffee just for you, the way you like it. Strong or weak, with the blend or roast you want.

The apparent complexity can be daunting, to some mental weaklings. You have to … PUT the coffee in, THEN hot water? THEN push down on the … what is that? A plunger? I don’t know if I can work that, because I’m an idiot.

It’s not hard. Even the French do it, without surrendering. You can buy a press is a wild array of styles, colors, and prices. Thom and I both favor the simple glass and black combo, classy, subtle, refined. Like our coffee.

There’s just something dapper about using a press. When you have one of these in the office, it speaks loudly to your individuality. It says that we may be stuck in cubicles, far from the sunlight, in front of  an indistinguishable computer. But coffee is one of the finer things in life, and we believe in ourselves enough to do it right. A french press says that we know what’s good in life. That whatever our station or stature in the office, outside these four beige walls, away from these non-dairy creamers, we believe the finer things should be savored, that life should be lived!

We’re the best! Around! And nothing’s gonna keep us down! Ahem… sorry, too much caffeine.

I come to you today to talk about a storied history. Let me throw a few stats your way. 343 wins. 5th place in the NL East 4 our of 5 years. Consistently trots out 9 quality players on to the field game in and game out. That about sums up the 5 years the Nationals have been in DC playing something closely related to the game we like to call baseball. Spring Training is now upon us and the Nationals are back in their groove, dropping games like the Red Line drops rail cars. In just 3 games, DC’s squad has been scored on 36 times. Ouch. While it’s true these games don’t mean anything, I feel like for the Nationals, well, they still kinda hurt.

Now I know baseball is a dying art that doesn’t draw the attention that football or basketball or Nordic combined do, but I think that’s a shame. It’s a beautiful game. But when your team is that bad, the game of patience becomes the game of agony. Trust me. I know. I’ve been a die-hard Pirates fan all my life; a team that hasn’t recovered from Barry Bonds and Bobby Bonilla leaving town 18 years ago. I was 5. So I’d like to send a word of encouragement to those out there thinking about boarding the Washington Nationals train. Do it. They might not be good, they might not ever be good, but make them your team. Love the players. That’s what I do. That’s what keeps me tuning in to every Bucs game every season.

Let me clarify something for those of you who I just convinced to invest your life savings into screen-printing Ryan Zimmerman jerseys to sell on the Frederick Douglass Bridge; Bonus!DC will not become die-hard Nats fans or really even follow their season. We already have our teams. However, to serve you, the people of DC, it is my intention to make the player who takes the last spot on their 25-man roster for the start of the regular season an immortal on this blog. Whoever that ends up being, I will become his biggest fan. Because, well, if you’re the last man to make the team on the worst team in baseball… you need all bonuses you can get.

You may have seen this already, but I’m always a sucker for these. Take the next few minutes of your life to watch this. Makes you wonder though; what if as part of some crazy DC conspiracy theory the presidential memorials around the city were orginally built as part of the most elaborate Rube Goldberg machine in the world? I mean, why else would FDR have a memorial that could so effectively house a trail of dominoes? Or have his own memorial at all? Makes you wonder… makes you wonder…

A picture is worth a thousand words, but if the words are sufficiently interesting you can cut down the ratio a bit. In that spirit, spice up your speech with these phrases we’re throwing around DC.

“Cray-cray” – means crazy.

“One hot second” – I know this phrase is so 1999, but it’s time it made a come back. If the goddamn ’70’s fashion can come back, why not this? YES WE CAN!

“Ground Hot Dog” – Backstory: coming back in a cab from a night on U Street, an old friend and I got into an tiff over who had the worst ex. Clinching argument “You can’t compare you’re [redacted] prime rib to [my ex], she was like a [redacted] hot dog I found on the ground.” My friend yelled “She IS a ground hot dog!” Even our surly cabbie laughed. Use it to describe any unpleasant encounter with a potential partner.

“Eat your biscuit” – Can be used as the new ‘drink your milkshake‘, as in “I buy that!”. Additionally, it can refer to a sex move that rhymes with bun-a-lingus. This doesn’t mean I made some special time with the Country Griddle; that comes with an actual biscuit.

“Beaaah” – Try it out. Multipurpose.

Question, inflect up at the end: Beaaah?

Denigrating, inflect down at the end: I listened to some Rod Stewart today, beaah.

Indifference, maintain flat tone: “Want to see a Ryan Reynolds movie?” “Beaah.”

Approval, start low, inflect up around the first ‘a’, then come back down to neutral. “Want to go to happy hour?” “BeAah!”

Use them well friends.

I’d at least consider it.

Starting today, the District is allowing marriage applications for same-sex couples. As if love, happiness and family weren’t enough reasons to get hitched, now the deal is sweeter.

Hello Cupcake will be handing out free cupcakes to the first 200 couples to file their applications. Go get ’em boys and girls, but not together.

(h/t Dcist)

Many hockey fans in DC love Alexander Ovechkin not just for his ability to put the puck in the back of the net, but for his tenacity and desire to just lay someone else out. Ovie had a quiet Olympics (boding well for the United States) and has most recently received heavy criticism for shutting down the film production of a Russian fan’s attempt to capture the Capitals’ superstar on camera. If I were Ed Lover, I’d say, “C’mon, son – how the f*@k you gonna swat a camera away from a Russian fan tryin to get a glimpse of her favorite player. C’mon, son. Get the f*@k outta here with that sh*t.”

But I’m not Ed Lover, and we like to focus on the positives here on Bonus! Which brings me to the real reason for this post and that was Ovie’s hit on my favorite player growing up, Jaromir Jagr. Dude had a mullet that would give Billy Ray Cyrus a hard on, but that’s neither here nor there. Talking to a friend about the upcoming USA-Canada gold medal game, the conversation turned to Ovechkin’s poor performance, but man, did he really put the hurt on Jaromir Jagr (ex-Penguin – Bonus! for Caps fans). Searching for the hit on YouTube, I came up empty because the IOC blocked it on copyright grounds. This calls for another, “C’mon, Son” but I digress. YouTube account holder koojoe21 found a loophole with a sweet animated video that reminds you of a mid-90s Sega or SNES game – appropriately set to house music. Enjoy this Bonus! and root for USA to stick it to those hosers today.