Quick, name your favorite presidents. Top five. Did this fat fuck crack the list? God I hope not.

There are tons of reasons to dislike Teddy. His racism and xenophobia, imperialism, for centralizing federal government, campaigns that were more religious revival than public policy, or being the Ross Perot of his day. Sure he gave us teddy bears, but that’s a measly compromise. Everything about Old Ted is a freaking let down. Dude was a sickly child who wildly overcompensated, fooling everyone with his manly man posturing. The easiest game in the world is “one of these things is not like the other”.

Oh sure, there are those who would say “Teddy was tough! He got shot and finished his speech! Lincoln just up and died.” Well Snarky McAssholepants, you are a cock. First, Teddy barely got shot. The bullet went through a steel eyeglass case, and a 50 page speech. He was basically wearing a flak jacket. Second, how insecure do you have to be to shake off getting shot? “Can’t … show … weakness … must … be … adored!” There’s nothing wrong with saying “Hey, y’all, just got shot. Gonna go to the doctors now, get the finest leeches available. Kthxbai.” It was the 1920’s, it’s not like people were going to go check out HBO and internet porn and forget about him.

Did I Ever Mention I'm A Tough Guy?!

Oh, and also, he’s a goddamn loser. He’s never won a race at Nationals Park. 0 – 164. But everyone loves the underdog, and Teddy routinely raises everyone’s hopes, only to fall short in the end. In that way, he’s the perfect mascot for the Nat’s; a bumbling, Mr. Magoo capering around the stadium, the perfect pairing for a franchise who’s one bright spot will start the season in the minors.

Despite being another festering pustule marring the Nat’s prepubescent image, Teddy has his share of fans. God knows why. Some people are just idiot chubby chasers, I guess. Local blog Let Teddy Win! is campaigning hard for the big galoot. April 21st is the night they’ve scheduled for this travesty, this abomination, this cats-and-dogs-sleeping-together nonsense to go down at the ballpark. I hate stuff like this. Teddy can’t win on his own, so people are going to hand him a meaningless pity win. There’s nothing wrong with losing, per se. It’s obviously not as good as winning, but if you keep working hard, keep believing and striving, losing can have a quiet kind of nobility.

Michael had worked so hard for this record, and now he could taste ... WTF?

This also makes a mockery of everything the Presidential Races stands for. The glory, the drama, the tradition. The totally-not-at-all-ripped-off-from-Milwaukee’s-Sausage-Race-thingy-ness.

Handing out wins is ignoble, and ignominious. One can’t give success or pride, one must take them. Tony Montana never said “first somebody gives you da drugs, den somebody gives you da money, den somebody gives you da wimmin.” A man takes what he wants. Teddy needs to learn these lessons, or else he’ll just be another spoiled brat. So join me in hoping this ridiculous popularity contest never successfully infects the hallowed institution of presidential races.